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1/8/2007 2:33:00 PM
Yes.... yet another shameless copy and past by me..... At least it's funny!
THE DINNER
While waiting for your food, shes bound to start some small talk.. any time she brings up one of her girlfriends, make her describe them... physically... weight and breast size are a good way to start. Also find out if they're single in case this date don't work out.
Don't talk about your recent ex.. talk about the girl you dated when you were fifteen... and how smoking hot she was back then.
At some point in the evening, tell her you brought her something. Pull a tampon out of your pocket. Tell her you stole it off your mom. Girls like presents.
Convince her it'd be fun to try eating dinner w/out using your hands.... let her know you like doing ALOT of things without using your hands.
Whatever you order, insist that the waiter cuts it for you at the table. This will show you're a hard ass because you boss people around. Chicks dig that.
When your food arrives, grab the little sprig of parsley off your plate and throw it at the wall, screaming "What the Fvck is this!?"
While she's eating, keep looking at her with a confused expression. Say "Are you really going to eat ALL of that?". If she says yes, just shake your head at her and chuckle to yourself.
While eating your food, avoid all outside distractions like conversation. Eat every bite as fast as you possibly can, so you can start working on her plate too before she eats it all. If she gets mad, remind her that YOUR the one paying for it anyway, and no one likes a bitch.
THE BAR
While walking to the bar, you may pass a family with their baby.. turn to your date and giggle, saying " Haha , poor bastard should of pulled out". This will show you're not ready for commitment.
At the door of the bar, stare at it blankly until she opens it for you. Look annoyed if she doesn't do it right away. You might as well start teaching her now.
Remember, you NEVER tip the bartender when they bring you a beer. Only for liquor drinks. A bartender can't stiff you on a beer.
If she goes to pee, exclaim how you can pee standing up, and that's why men are better than women.
Every time she starts a conversation, gradually advert your eyes to the closest TV and the game on it.
If you're ready to leave the bar and she still wants to stay... wait until she goes to get another beer. Now... sneak in her purse and snag her ID and hide it. Now walk over to the bouncer and inform them that she's underage.
General Tips and Ideas
Good phrases to use on a date..
That's Stupid
You don't know what you're talking about
That's racist
I'm better looking than him
"Accidently" touch her boob at least six times throughout the night
Wear a shirt with a breast pocket. Create an imaginary friend that lives inside it. If you're feeling nervous or angry, look in your pocket and talk it out with your little buddy
It may be hard to remember all these pointers, so do what we do and write them down on your arms, and make sure you wear short sleeves.
And lastly, if for some odd reason the date isn't going good and you want to duck out early, you can always shi.t your pants
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